Kawhi Leonard does the impossible: causes me to give two shits about the NBA

I have to admit, I’m not the world’s biggest NBA fan anymore. I say “anymore” because I did have a brief flirtation with the league during my youth in the Bay Area. I believe it was during the baseball strike of 1994, when I needed something else to dwell on other than which 47 year-old pass rushing specialist the 49ers were going to sign next.

At the time, the Golden State Warriors fit the bill perfectly. They had the look of an up-and-coming franchise with young players like Chris Webber and Latrell Sprewell, and vets like Chris Mullin and Tim Hardaway who still resembled stars if you inhaled enough dry-erase markers.

Yessir, I’d say there was a solid week — maybe a week and a half — where I was a Michael Bolton Warriors fan. And then. Well, I don’t really remember, actually. It’s all just a blur, but I think it involved Webber getting traded, a coach getting fired, another coach getting choked, and that’s about when the room started spinning. Join the party on the heels of a 50-win season, and the next thing you know, you wake up with a pounding headache next to Adonal Foyle. Not cool, bro.

Not surprisingly, the NBA has been pretty much dead to me ever since. I avoid it, it avoids me and nobody gets hurt. It’s the same relationship I have with bumblebees, actually.

But dammit if someone hasn’t come along to shake me out of my blissful ignorance of all things NBA. My icy heart has finally been melted by a player who radiates pure joy, youthful exuberance and brilliant sunshine.

OK, maybe it’s not so much about personality.

But former Aztec Kawhi Leonard has done something I thought impossible: Last night, I rushed home from work, gave the dogs a quicker than usual walk around the block, and turned on an NBA Playoff game — one involving the San Antonio Spurs and something called the Oklahoma City Thunder.

And I enjoyed the hell out of it.

Remember when we were all wondering if Kawhi had made the right move by coming out after his sophomore season, what with his unpolished offensive game and lack of experience against top opponents? I’ve got to admit, I was sort of in that camp. I thought he would make a roster somewhere, but have to spend a season fighting for minutes near the end of the bench.

Yeah, no. I just watched the rookie start in the Western Conference Finals and put up 18 points and 10 boards as San Antonio surged to a 2-0 series lead. As he ignited an early Spurs lead with a thunderous jam and a 3-pointer (how awesome it is to hear Marv Albert name check San Diego State?), I imagined him clapping in my face and giving me the fuck-you-Jimmer bellylaugh.

And I deserved it, too.

Look, we’ll all be left to wonder what could have been if Leonard had returned to school for his junior year. But seeing him play alongside stars like Tim Duncan, Tony Parker — and looking like he belongs — is pretty damned gratifying, too. And what he’s doing in the pros is just as huge for the SDSU program as almost anything he could have done with another year on the Mesa (short of a Final Four, that is).

Leonard’s rookie season has changed the national perception of the Aztecs in a way that even the Sweet 16 appearance didn’t. Hell, it’s pretty much created a perception among NBA fans. It was hard to take SDSU seriously as a relevant program back when its only recent claim to pro success was Randy Holcomb scoring two points for the Chicago Bulls that one time.

When you watch Kawhi helping a team march toward the NBA Finals, the Aztecs’ legitimacy is a lot easier to believe. And if it’s easier for us to believe, you’d better believe it’s a lot easier for recruits to believe, too.

So there it is, count me an NBA fan — for as long as Kawhi lasts, anyway.

Maybe it’s time I dig out my old Chris Gatling jersey. It’s gotta be around here somewhere.

Introducing your new College Sports Czar

Now many of you may not know this, but President Obama and I go way back. Barry and I played ball together in high school. Even so, I was a bit surprised  when I received a call from The White House.

“Look — Jhonka, I’ve been thinking about this upcoming election. I’ve decided that what I need to put me over the top is more Czars. I’ve already added Tim Gunn as Gay Czar and James Fredette as Borg Czar but I started running out of ideas. Frankly, politics has gotten so damn boring lately. Then I thought, ‘that Jhonka is one crazy motherfucker, I’m sure he could come up with something interesting.’ So what do you think? Anything you’d like to be Czar of??”

Now, one does not take requests from the president lightly. And since there were plenty of things I’ve always thought would make college sports better, I took the position. So here’s a look at the first things I’d change as the new College Sports Czar:

Czar Nicolas ain’t got ‘ish on me

March Madness
I’d ask you to hear me out but I don’t have to — I’m the mf’ing Czar. The first weekend of the NCAA Tournament is nearly sports nirvana. Thursday and Friday have 16 games each day but most people work those days. By the time the weekend comes around, they are only playing eight games each day.

This is crap. If the game that is on happens to suck, there is likely only one other game on at the same time. And that game has teams you don’t like, so you want them both to lose and, of course, that game is a blowout too and next thing you know you’re spending the next hour with your kids. Nobody wants that.

What I’m going to do is create a consolation tournament. All the teams that lost in the first round will play each other in a morning session before the actual tournament winners play their games that matter. Will this be as interesting as the later games? Of course not, but who are you to complain? Are you a Czar? Didn’t think so. Enjoy your extra basketball and just hope that one team doesn’t start fouling with 3 minutes left in regulation.

Basketball fouls
Speaking of fouling late, I hate it and it’s the next thing to go. Every conference has that coach that does it to the extreme. His team is down 16 with 3:34 on the clock and dude decides to lengthen the game by starting to foul. It is miserable to watch. Now, we can’t just change the rules (actually, I can) so that they don’t call those fouls or teams will get too aggressive on defense.

What I suggest is giving the fouled team the option of shooting the free throws or just inbounding the ball again. (Did I say “suggest”? What I meant was, “here is the new freakin’ rule.) Yes, many coaches will choose the free throws under the premise of “you never turn down an open look” but these are the same coaches that will tell players to dribble a fast break back out to run an additional 20 seconds off the clock. Like points, time is a currency in basketball and coaches should be allowed to trade each how they like.

Another thing I’m going to instate will also give coaches more flexibility. I want to give each player six fouls before they foul out. Ridiculous you say? Here’s the catch. If your player gets his sixth foul, all the points he has scored in the game come out of your teams total. Yeah, that’s more like it. Most coaches will just bench a guy at five fouls because even losing four points in a close game can be a back-breaker. This will allow coaches to put guys back in when they find themselves in desperate situations.

Football penalties
As you can tell, I’m a hoops guy. But I have one major change to make to football as well. When a player is tagged for a personal foul (hit out of bounds, leading with the helmet, late hit, etc.) and the player that is the victim of the act is injured, the player that committed the illegal act cannot return to the field until the injured player does. If you hurt a player and he has to miss part of his playing career because you broke the rules of the game, you miss the same time.

Will coaches use this rule to keep opponents from being at full strength in other games? I assume so. If your All-American linebacker takes out my No. 4 receiver and I can keep him off the field an extra week to make it more likely you lose to some team I’ve already beat, I’d certainly do it. Football is too dangerous to have guys out there trying to hurt one another, and anything that will keep guys conscious of the consequences of their actions on the field is a good thing.

I’d say that’s a pretty good first day of work. When I come up with some other half-baked idea to make college sports … well, if not better, then more interesting, I’ll be sure to come back and make my proclamations here.

The Czar has spoken.

‘Tec-nical Difficulties Episode 25

Our podcast for the week of May 23rd.

Topics: Baseball, All the other spring sports, NFL draft, San Antonio Spurs, and a brand new segment!

Donkeycorn.

View our show notes.

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SDSU sends very subtle message to Big West

So this article was inevitable. SDSU has gone to bat to get Boise State into the Big West.

But if the move fails and the Broncos can’t find a suitable league for those sports, SDSU might have to reevaluate its move to the Big East Conference in football next year.

“It’s a fluid time,” SDSU Athletic Director Jim Sterk said. “Boise is a great partner and we’re working to help find a solution for them.”

For those disinclined to read a straight news story, allow me to present my dramatic treatment:

(Jim Sterk nonchalantly walks into Big West headquarters, menacingly wielding a tire iron. He is followed closely by a horse-faced goon in a blue tracksuit)

Afternoon.

It’s a nice little league you have here, really it is.

You’ve got a lot of cute schools that fit well together. You’ve even got great geography now that you’ve managed to purge Stockton from your ranks. Just lovely. It brings a tear to my fuckin eye.

And now with us entering the fold you have a marquee program that will elevate you from the dregs of Division I college basketball to … well … whatever is just above the dregs.

But … Well …

It’d be a shame if something happened to stop that from occurring wouldn’t it? After all, accidents do happen.

(Sterk knocks a bust of Cal State Fullerton legend Cedric Ceballos onto the floor, smashing it into dozens of pieces)

Whoopsie.

You know, if you want to avoid any more … unfortunate accidents … I suggest you hire some muscle around here. Like my pal Boise over here. Just let him crash on your couch and your troubles will go away — trust me.

What, you don’t believe me? That clown Monson has your ear, doesn’t he? Well rest assured — that punk just made my list of things to do today.

Oh. This is about money isn’t it. You want money? You want money? Here’s your goddamn money!

(Sterk crumples up a pair of 20s and throws it at the forehead of UC Riverside athletic director Tony Ontiveros)

Now be a good little Big West and hand your new neighbor Boise a key to the front door. And clear out some space for his things, while you’re at it.

(Sterk pulls out a drawer from UC Davis’ dresser and dumps it on the floor)

Never mind, I just did.

Pleasure doing business with you. Let’s do this again real soon.

(Sterk cracks his knuckles and walks out. The blue goon stays behind.)

AKH’s new official position on the Big East, the Mountain West, and full steam ahead

For weeks, we’ve been hearing that San Diego State is “full steam” to the Big East and Big West conferences. I, for one, feel lucky that we have that type of certainty in this topsy turvy time in college athletics.

And the “full steam” terminology makes me feel even more at ease. After all, if anything is known for its unsinkable dependability, it’s a steamship. Plus — as SDSU and Boise State now know — those things are super fun to ride when they’re out on the open ocean!

So we’re home free — hurray!

I mean, it would take something pretty big to spoil our inevitable arrival at the port of major conference TV riches and respectability. And fortunately, nothing even remotely like that is on the horizon.

Well, except for turmoil within the Big East conference.

And rumblings about our sugar daddy inching towards the door.

And the exciting new scenarios for the major conference bloodbaths of the not too distant future.

The first KGB Skyshow in 1912.

…

Aw, crap. We’re screwed, aren’t we?

The good news: It’s probably not yet time to start knocking over children and Irishmen in order to secure our place in the nearest lifeboat. If I was forced to put a wager on where I thought the Aztecs will play in 2013, my money would still be the Big East/West.

I think all this hand-wringing is probably premature. I doubt very seriously that the Big East will blow up, and I don’t see it losing any teams outside of maybe Louisville (if the ACC wanted UConn and Rutgers, wouldn’t they have invited them by now?). I still think the TV money the conference does get will be at a level where returning to the MWC’s deal — which I believe pays schools in Sonic Burger coupons — will not be a serious option.

Boise State will put its other programs in the Big West or, failing that, the Big Sky if they have to. BSU cares about football and football alone, regardless of what those liars in the Elvis costumes say about DNA nanotechnology.

But if I’m wrong (which I often am)?

Well, I can’t say at least part of me won’t be happy to go back to the Mountain West for the good of the basketball program. And as long as Boise came slinking back with us, I could stomach it on the football side, too.

But I would suddenly be very concerned about the entire athletic department’s long-term financial viability. You wouldn’t have to be Carnac to envision a scenario where a cash-strapped SDSU has to eventually join the Big West — on account of it dropping football.

In summation, the Big East lovers should temper their enthusiasm, the Big West haters should be careful what they wish for, and I reserve the right to flip-flop on any of my previously stated positions depending on whether the good ship Big East reaches safe harbor or comes to rest on the ocean floor.

Got it?

In the meantime, here’s AKH’s new official stance on the matter, courtesy of another film classic from the late 90s.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get that tattooed on my forehead.

Aztec Lynx: Conference realignment news, volume 78

Even Lugie the Aztec Lynx is tired of digesting these conference realignment tidbits — and he usually subsists off a diet of grasshoppers and lizard heads, so that’s saying something.

— Word on the street is that high-class whore* Boise State is back to hustling, this time trying to convince the Big West to take its Olympic sports programs. The Broncos’ non-football programs, which apparently exist (?), currently reside in the WAC with New Mexico State, Idaho and a traveling team from Australia made up of four players and three trained marsupials. An interesting excerpt:

The source said going to 11 schools would be a non-starter for the Big West. If the league were to expand, then it would rather go to 12, 14 or 16. The source said the Big West isn’t actively looking to expand, but will take calls.

To me, this sounds like the they’d take the Broncos so long as they showed up with either Fresno State or UNLV bound and gagged in the trunk of their car. For the Aztecs, either would be a great development, solidifying the Big East move, adding two big arenas to our cute little bus league, and allowing us to stop thinking about conference realignment entirely for at least a couple of months. Make it happen, Big East.

— I was going to get all snarky and condescending regarding the Mountain West’s very huge move to add San Jose State and Utah State. But really, what else could they do? I don’t think Oregon or Oklahoma were returning their calls. And lest we forget, we came *thisclose* to being stuck in that mess too. So please keep your snickering to a minimum.

— AKH internet friend One Bronco Nation Under God has some moving words on the death of the WAC. And an awesome GIF for all you non-readers out there!

* Yes, I’m aware of what that makes SDSU if Boise is the high-class whore. So don’t bother pointing that out, OK?

NFL Draft just a big conspiracy to troll SDSU fans who also like the Chargers

Good afternoon, SDSU Chargers fans. You’ve been through a lot in the past few years, and I don’t just mean the Smith-Spanos reign of terror. You’ve had to stomach Kirk Morrison and Chaz Schilens in silver and black. Former Aztec Herm Edwards beat you guys in the playoffs, too. Shit, Zuma is probably lobbying for the LA Stadium project as we speak.

Now this: Ronnie Hillman is a Denver Bronco.

Picture yourself on a boat on a river your couch this November. Both the Bolts and the Broncs enter a crucial game at Invesco Field sitting at 6-3. The Broncos won the season’s first matchup and a win today would give them a stranglehold on the AFC West.

It’s the fourth quarter, and the Chargers lead by four — presumably because someone finally got wise and disconnected Norv Turner’s headset. But Denver is driving and gets the ball into the red zone inside of a minute.

The game is so tense that you haven’t moved from your seat since halftime, even though you’ve had to take a dump for almost an hour. You tried to cut some wind to relieve pressure, but the results were regrettable. Yet you just sit in your own filth, too transfixed to worry about hygeine or the judgements of those around you.

On a huge fourth and 1, Peyton Manning executes an unbelieveable play action fake, then turns to see his running back streaking for the end zone, wide open. Wait, you’ve seen this play before, haven’t you?

OHH SHIT. It’s Ronnie Hillman. One of the baddest rookie rushers IN DA LEAGUE.

So what do you hope for now?

Have fun with that one, guys! As a 49ers fan, I have the luxury of hoping Ronnie Hillman owns your souls twice a year for the next decade. LOL you.

…

OK, enough trolling.

It’s really hard to imagine a better outcome for Hillman. He’s a third rounder, meaning he’s going to make more money this season than I will in my next 15 years of office drudgery. He’s going to Denver to back up a running back (Willis McGahee) who will turn 30 this season. When he does play, he’ll be attacking defenses a tad more more concerned with getting carved up by a Hall of Fame quarterback.

Oh yeah, and his coach is an Aztec. Good times all around — unless you’re a Bolts fan, anyway.

Speaking of revolting developments for SDSU Chargers fans, linebacker Miles Burris is a Raider. He went higher than most people expected (fourth round), meaning he’s likely to make their roster. After witnessing his motor and nose for the ball for the past four years, I’d put money on him earning some substantial playing time quickly.

The only bummer from the 2012 Draft was seeing Ryan Lindley drop all the way to the Cardinals in the sixth round. Here’s hoping working with pro wide receivers (DeMarco!!) who don’t smear bacon grease on their hands before each game will help him get his groove back.

Best of luck to all three. Well … unless Ryan beats my Niners, that is. If he does, I’ll disown him.